Blended Families

                After a divorce what is the average distance between he once married couple? It may come as a surprise, but the average distance is around 400 miles apart! Why are they so far apart?

                The reason can change depending on the parent. Mothers usually move because they remarry, there new spouse has a job that requires them to move, or they themselves get a job, and sometimes they move to be closer to family for support. Meanwhile a father is more likely to move because of a job. He now has to pay for two families and it cost a lot of money. He can also remarry witch will at the expenses of his family. Another reason that father moves is because he feels like his kids don’t need him anymore.

                When a divorced person remarries its important tot relies that there are now two separate families. Sometime people still see it as one family. This can be harmful to the newly formed family. It has been said that it takes at a minimum of two years for a stepfamily to receive a sense of normality. It must be understood that when a new family is starting out that it is going to be hard. You are in the process of trying to blend two completely different families into one. Traditions are different, habits are in the process of changing, and what are we to do!!!!!! Remember it takes two years, two cycles of going through all the holidays together.

                Three ways to help make the two year transition easier are first; let the birth parent do all the heavy discipline. This will help prevent the stepchildren from hating you, and causing more problems. Second, the stepparent should be like a favorite uncle or aunt. Children tend to talk to their aunt and uncle about certain things more then they tell the parents about it. As sad as it is as a step parent you will never be able to take the place of your step child’s birth mother or father. Third, counsel with your spouse regularly. This allows both of you to know what is going on in the family. It also allows you to make plans of action when something isn’t working what do we need to change to make it better.

Who owns the Problem?

                What does “who owns the problem” mean? It doesn’t mean the one who created the problem. Who owns the problem refers to who it affects, and how they react to the problem. An example would be, a son goes out on a drive Friday night and runs out of gas. He parks the car in the garage, but doesn’t tell anyone that there is no gas. Next morning dad goes out and tries to start the car only to find that not only will it not start, but there is no gas in the tank. Stomping back in and he yells at his son. Who owns the problem? The father does, because he can’t go to work and his angry directed at his son for not fueling up after he used all the gas. The way that the father handled this situation causes more problems in the long run. Is there a good way of owning the problem?

                Conflict needs to be solved based on where the problem is coming from and who is affected. If the child/teen owns the problem one way to handle it is to let the natural consequences take effect. Most of the life lessons that we learn growing up don’t come from out parents giving us lectures, or punishments, they come from us making mistakes and the natural consequences that follow. An example of this would be my little brother. We have always been told to drive safely when on the four-wheelers. One day my brother was going fast and slammed into what he thought was just a pile of straw, but turned out to be a dirt hill covered in straw. He was thrown of the four-wheeler breaking his collar bone. He never got a lecture, but he drives a lot more carefully then he used to.

There are times when as parents we need to step in and not let the natural consequences follow. These are times when the consequences are too dangerous, too far in the future, and if it affects others. It’s too dangerous if the child life is at risk, or serious harm may befall them. An example of consequences too far in the future is, the parents let their child quit school. Don’t let children quit school because they don’t want to do it now. It won’t affect them until much later in the future, but by then it can’t be reversed. When it affects others they have over stepped there bonds, and need to be stopped.

When the parent owns the problem there are two main ways to handle the situation. The first one is to give polite requests. Many people may be thinking that there is no way that talking to a child politely well get you anywhere. When talking to children we need to realize that they are human to.  An example would be a mother yelling at her daughter and telling her she is disrespectful when she listens to music when she is trying to talk to her. That’s fine right? Well let’s switch the roles, daughter comes in and yells at her mother telling her she is disrespectful for listening to her music when she is trying to talk to her. Wait that is disrespectful! Well isn’t it the same thing, all that is different is who’s talking. What makes it ok for the mother to yell at her daughter, but not ok for the daughter to yell at her mother for the same thing?

When asking your children to do something try using a I “statements.” An example of an I “statements” is, “Bobbie I would like if you would clean up the living room. I feel very disrespected when you leave all of your things on the floor.” I “statements” make it not about them but about you. When you make it about them it makes them feel like they never do anything right, they are more likely to continue their behavior then if you make it about you. If I “statements” don’t work next try firm “statements.” This should not be the first think you do. When using firm statements we need to remember that this is still about us not them. The second way for parents to handle owning the problem is to let the natural consequences take place. It may be hard to watch, but it will be better for them in the long run.

So are there good ways of owning the problem? There are, but the most common tendency like we saw in the first example is to strict out in anger. We need to remember that the best way for them to learn from their mistakes is to just let them learn from their own mistakes, without giving them a lecture. When parents are involved they need to remember that their children are human to and they deserve respect, use I “statements” and if they fail use firm “statements.”