Crisis in the Family

            Can crises in the family ever end happily? This is a question that surrounds families of today. The divorce rate is on the rise and even when little things happen sometimes it ends in divorce, so how can a family crisis end happily. It may come as a surprise to many but most marriages stay together after a crises.

An example of a crisis could be that it is found out that your spouse is having an affair. Most people when asked what they would do if they found out there spouse had an affair said that they would get a divorce right away and would never forgive the other party. Surprising though the statistics say that actual most couples stay together, it takes time to get over the betrayal and they may never get over it. Trust has been broken and it takes a long time and lots of hard work to patch up the betrayal.

Reuben Hill study the stress that a family goes through and he made the ABCX family crisis model.

A – Actual Event

B – Both resources, and how you apply them

C – Cognitions (Thought Process)

X – total eXperience

An example of this in the process of happening could be a death in the family. Karen’s Great Grandfather who she was very close to died recently (A). Karen leans on her family and friends for support (B). She goes to church every Sunday and it takes time but she gains a comfort that all is not lost (C). Several months later she is able to look back on the happy times she had with her Great Grandfather and tells stories of him to her friends.

Even though she has gone through the death of a loved one she is still able to move forward. It’s important to know that when you go into a crises that it will not be easy. The most important thing at least in my point of view is to go into it with faith that you will come out of it the same or maybe even better then when you went into it. So can crises end happily? They can but it takes a lot of work.

The Sex Talk

A high number of teenagers are becoming teen parents. How our, our kids finding out about sex? Sadly lots of kids are finding it not from their parents, but from the people and things they interact with. I will put it into two list ways to help your children and ways that hurt your children.

                Ways that hurt are when we just don’t talk about it. If we never say anything they will find out about it from the kid on the school bus, there cousins, or maybe even the television. These resources all make it sound a lot more graphic and horrifying then it really is. Another problem is when someone gets raped. Some children are told since they were young that if you have sex before marriage then you are dirty. Parents or other adults put an emphasize on the sin of what was done to you. You have been “used”, no one will want you. When someone has been abused this way it was not there fault and they are not used, they need to understand that it’s not ok before you are married, but if you are forced then it is not your fault.

                What can we do to help them not do it before they are married, and so that they can understand what it is. Start when they are young. They need to know what their body is and how it is different. Set boundaries with them, talk with them. Have them help in setting the boundaries. Understand that they need to love their bodies; they don’t need to be ashamed about how they are different. Sex is a sacred physical activity that should be saved for marriage. The most important thing you can do as a parent is to teach them in live, and to give them correct information.

                There is never a case where a child should never know what they are going through and what to expect. They should always find out about it from their parents, it will hurt them more if they learn about it from someone else. A good resource for parents who are concerned about talk to their children a good resource to go to is A Parents Guild.

Getting Married

Marriage is never easy. Happy Ever After only happens in fairy tales. Life is hard so why should it be any different when we get married. The first week, month, and year are hard. Learning to share with another everything you have is hard. The stress and the hard ship can be diminished if we plan what we what to do before we are married. Here are some questions to go over with your soon to be spouse.

1.       Will the wife use the husband’s last name, her own name, or a hyphenated name?

2.       What will be the division of labor in the home? Who will do cooking, washing, repairs, and so on?

3.       Will you have children? If so, how many?

4.       Will you use contraception? What kind?

5.       If you have children, how will you divide up the child care responsibilities? What kind of discipline will you use?

6.       What will you do about housing? Will housing decisions be made in light of the husband’s career, the wife’s career, or both?

7.       Who will be the breadwinner? How will financial decisions be made and who will be responsible for paying bills?

8.       What will be your relationships with the in-laws? Will you spend part or all of your vacation time with parents or relatives?

9.       How much of your leisure time will you spend together and how much separately?

10.   What are you sexual expectations?

11.   How will you change the terms of this contract over the course of your marriage?

By answering these questions it helps eliminate situations where, “I thought we would have kids before I was thirty? No we would only have kids when I’m situated in my career and I don’t plan to say at home ether!” Major miscommunication. By sitting down they both would have known what the other thought and been able to plan accordingly. The biggest thing to know when going into marriage is to know what the other think is going to happen. By donning this we can stop many future problems in their tracks before they can even begin to form. We can’t have it all our way, that’s why compromise was invented.

Life is not one big honeymoon; it usually takes a couple a year before they are to a realistic mode of living together. We can’t go into marriage thinking that if I don’t like it I could just leave. The marriage is way more likely to end in divorce if that is the mid set we go in with. Those with a higher level of commitment are more likely to be satisfies with the union and less likely to have thoughts about divorce or other possible partners. Go in with the thoughts of I want to be married to this person tell the day I die, and forever.

What is Love?

There are four major types of love. All four are derived form Greek words; agape, storge, philia, and eros. Agape love is love that is independent of one’s feelings for another. Storge is the love shown between parent and child. Philia is the love that exists between friends. Eros is the love between an man and a women. Eros is what most of us think of when we think of love.

For a happy marriage what types of love should you have? Some people would say that all you need is eros. That’s not true. If all a marriage has is eros the marriage has a high change of divorce. We should strive to have all four kinds of love in our marriage. Some of you may have just gone wait even storge. No don’t patrinice them, but sometime we need a mothers love or a fathers. To just be able to hold someone and tell them that it will be all right. It’s best to have a little of all of them. It’s fine to have eros just not all the time.

When it comes time for the wedding plan the wedding with your soon to be spouse. What happens most of the time is that bride and her mother plan the wedding. They get close and this can cause a division between the husband and wife latter on. If they plan it together thought they will develop a good relationships and when things happen later on in life they will go to each other for help rather than to their parents.

What makes people gay?

A common misconception is that people are just born that way. That is not true. If it’s not true then what makes people gay?

                It’s not just one thing it is a combination of several different things. 75% of people who report to be gay were admitted to being sexually abused at one point. The father figure in the family is often distance and doesn’t interact positively with the young child. An example would be if the child showed an interest in Barbie’s. Don’t take them away, break, or destroy them in front of him. Instead play with him, by Barbie so that he can be Ken. An over involved mother can also cause problems. If all she ever does is down play the father it will only hurt the child. Bullying also can affect the child. If he is told that he is bad at a sport he will be much less likely to even try it next time, making him with draw more form the other boys.

                What really happens is they just want to have a relationship with other men, not necessarily in a sexual way, but in an I want to be friend’s way. They have never had a healthy relationship with other men before so they may think that what is happening is normal and healthy. Another problem is people of today. If a girl acts like a boy she is a tomboy, but if a boy acts like a girl he is gay. We automatically made it that they have to have a sexual relationship with other men. How is that right? If you call someone gay long enough they will just think that, that is what they are. When in reality they just want to have a family one day with children. Funny fact in our class most all of the girls would like the traits of; sensitivity, caring, and creativity in their husbands. Wait isn’t that what people call gay? See we are labeling people without even giving thought to how they really are or feel.

                Dose being gay happen at birth? The evidence says no. I would have to say that it is many the environments that we grow up in. Please don’t just label people gay. It’s not always true and can have disastrous conscious on that person’s life latter on in life.

Class and Culture

What is class? Google defines it as the system of ordering a society in which people are divided into sets based on perceived social or economic status. So class is how we see people. There are upper-class, middle-class and lower-class. Upper class live on the hill in big mansions, with pools, fancy cars, and there pink poodle. Meanwhile lower class is having top roman for dinner every night looking up at the lights coming from the mansions above. Is this really what is happening. No of course not. This is a classic case of stereotyping. An example of this can be seen in this example. A man goes to Wal-Mart dresses in sweet paints and a shirt that has been stained. Will in the checkout line a nice lady behind him offers to pay for his groceries. Once back out in the car he tells his wife about the experience. She tells him that he needs to start to dress up better. The man was equally rich in the upper-class, but he dresses lower-class because that what he liked to ware. So it’s not always accurate when people just place a person in a class based on how they look.

What is culture? Culture is what we are on the inside, it also describes a group. Groups can be all the way for your ethnicity, to a family. Culture is also not a set thing. An example is a family moving from Mexico into the United States. Usually the father goes first, to make money so that he can bring his family over. They only except to be gone from his family for six months or less. In reality it takes three years on average because he can bring them over. By the time they are all back together the culture has changed. While he was gone the mother and children grow closer. She had to work and the older children as well to survive will the father was away. This causes a gap in the relationship. The order and roles that the family members once played have changed now. The culture has changes. Not all cultures change easily though. If you live your entire life in a traditional African village then your culture will probably not change. Culture is not only effect by were you come from, but by the people you meet, and the environment that you live in.

So in short class is what people see you as, and isn’t always right. Culture is what we are; it shapes us from the inside out. If you have any questions please leave a comment and I will try my best to answer it.

Family Systems Theory

               Family Systems Theory. This week I have read lots about the family system theory. It was interesting that over and over again it tell us that it is never just one person. It’s hard or impossible to trace back to what started it all. An example could be a boy who has a drug addiction. He had this because his father is an alcoholic who used to hit his mother in front of him. We could say that it’s the fathers fault. If he didn’t drink then his son wouldn’t use drugs. Let’s look farther back. The fathers, mother had been a heavy drinker as well. So he had learned it from her, the further we look back we see that there is a trend with all the ancestors. Who started it, we will never know. So instead of looking at it as who started it we need to look at the family as a whole. One of the examples is to look at it as a clock. All the gears working together are what cause it to work. If just one gear breaks then the whole clock comes to a stop. Another way is dominos. Set on end and in a pattern if one falls they all come tumbling down. So when a family therapist helps the family, he doesn’t look for the person who started it all he looks for a way to break the habits.

                Think about it what simple things in your life and the life of your family can be blow out of proportion, because we are all trying to find someone to blame. Instead of finding someone to blame let’s find a way to fix the problem.